Cheeky & PacmanNot one day is the same

All that walking I’ve been doing will soon be useless if I carry on what I’ve been doing almost daily!! >.< Where I work, my office is located in the canteen – literally. Fatty foods like chips, wedges, nachos and my absolute fav, hot choc is really just around the corner and it is no joke to resist the temptation to just walk around the corner of less then 5m to get any one of those indulgences! Of course they have other evil foods like ice cream and choc too but I try to not take notice of them. I really do blame Kate for this. Just coz she’s got her no xplode to help her out, having her around taunting me with her plate of chips and gravy is just absolutely unnecessary! That wicked, wicked woman…..

When I first came here, I told myself that I wouldn’t spend money at the canteen coz they are a bit pricey but I soon caved in when I first bought me a bag of chips. =.= That was my downfall….my crumbled Berlin wall, my ever leaning Pisa tower. I was defeated. Tragically. I’m actually having a hot choc right now!!!! O.O

And to add insult to injury, it’s Lent and it is the month of abstinence. Here I am gorging my face with things that I should sacrifice. I did tell Ted that I’ll take my little charity box to work and each time I feel like I’m going to go get something to munch from the canteen, I’d put the money in there instead. I have haven’t done it yet. I really must do something about this. I feel guilty but at the same time, I’m really enjoying my hot choc. It is my fav drink….so while I wallow in my guilt today while enjoying my last cup of hot choc for the week – we get to indulge ourselves on Sunday, I will begin anew tomorrow. Promise.

Today was the first time I ever had a long black and it nearly blew me out of my chair! O.O Literally had me bug-eyed too. I’m no fan of coffe and least of all the ones you get here. In simple words, I like the Chinaman’s coffee from the kopitiam and not those cafe coffees like Gloria Jeans, Starbucks and all that. To honest the smell of coffee, THAT coffee, puts me off.

But today, I had to make an exception. I was up almost all night last night. Poor KR got a bad case of the cold and she’s just been dreaful. Poor little thing!! On top of a snuffly and runny nose, she also developed a fever. The fever was nutters! One time up and drops a little then goes up….thank goodness I have those stick to your forehead fever cooling patches that are meant for babies coz I wouldn’t know how to keep a wet towel on her forehead!

She was such an unhappy little vegemite. The longest stretch she ever slept through was 2 hours. And then she’d wake up crying. So pitiful. I really hope she’s better now. And thank goodness it’s Friday coz another one of those nights and I’d be a walking zombie!

Hence the reason why I have resorted to buying me a long black. Omg, it’s so thick and bitter….. >.< Being one who likes drinks sweet, I have actually poured in 5 serves of sugar and diluted the coffee. Icky I know but it's still so strong! I have no idea how my cousins can drink short black without sugar. =.= I think if I tried that, I’d just go bald on the spot!

Nothing will ever beat my good ol’ teh tarik!

And a very sad one at that too! :(

About 4 days ago, while watching Harry Potter, Ted laughed out loud and it sort of took KR by surprise and she wasn’t impressed by it and began to cry. So after calming down, she was very fussy and didn’t want to nurse. I just assume it was because she was upset, had teeth coming in and also coz I did have some wine that night. However, since that day, she has refused to nurse any more. Hence, I have been expressing milk as often and as much as I can as I did not see this coming. On top of that, my backup frozen milk also finished faster than I could stock up coz of this unexpected turn of events.

Needless to say, that as much as I have been pumping, my supply has dwindled so low that it’s not funny anymore. In fact, it’s quite sad and pathetic. I had aimed to continue bf-ing her until 2 yrs old but now, she’s only 9 months come 28/1/10 and she’s already weaned herself off me. :( I am very sad and upset about this. I feel that I have shortchaged her, health wise and that this will cause her to lose out on the goodness of booby juice. Also, I just absolutely hate to pump. I think it takes such a lot of effort when I could just easily pop one out. *sigh*

Hence, she’s current on 1/2 bm and 1/2 formula to begin with but last night I tried her on all formula and she was ok with it. So although I am still expressing I don’t know how long the supply will be in for. As it is, it takes ages to get 100ml from both boobs sometimes. I have to literally squeeze the living daylights out of them. *Ouchies indeed!* Seeing that I am also now back at work for awhile, it has become a little handy with formula. While someone I know is trying to stop breastfeeding as she feels that she’s done her part and that it is difficult looking after her bub full time coz she is sleep deprived from late night expressing, I am one who is trying so hard to get back on the horse!

I wish we could exchange boobs! Her supply is just overflowing…. *sigh* She doesn’t know how blessed she is!!! I wish I could tell her that when you have a baby, it’s no longer all about ‘I’….’I’ doesn’t exist anymore once you’ve had a baby. It’s no longer about you, my dear. But because I do not want to hurt your feelings and tell you that perhaps you were not ready to have this child yet, I am keeping my mouth shut. I pity your baby….I really do. Anyways, I think I might look into getting some sort of nursing tea to help with the supply like this and this. I’m waiting to hear back from the girls in my sewing forum and see what feedback I can get.

Someone also mentioned to me that I should eat more during meals which it actually suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t really been eating much lately. Just not really that hungry and well, kind of lost my appetite. Even Ted has noticed that I am not as crazy over food as I used to be. And no, I am not taking those products my friends keep insisting is the best weight loss products around. I am not trying to lose weight at all. If at all, I am just maintaining my current weight. I can’t afford to lose too much weight as I’m sure it will effect KR in more ways than 1.

ALSO…..did you know that KR’s formula milk is more expensive than Arianna’s??? It’s insane, I tells ya!! Anyhoo, off to wallow in sadness over this lost of a most intimate and precious bond…..

Ok, guess now we have to be more than extra careful since my cycle is back in action. Stupid AF! I got so used to not having her around that I actually forgot how icky and yucky it is to have her hanging around and for EXACTLY 7 days, mind you. *sigh* Yes, it’s clockwork like that for me. On top of that, I can’t really expect or depend on Ted to get me pads if need be coz he’s absolutely grossed out by it. Well, he would go get it for me if it was a life and death situation but he’d still whinge and whine about it, and there’s not guarantee he’ll stop! So I’d be stuck with it till one of us is dead. >.<

Anyhoo, enough of this yucky topic and on to a more excited one. A fellow blogger will soon welcome a new bubba!! It really does make a tiny wee clucky but then again, I still have KR so it's not too bad. As much as I love babies, I like them more when they are at the 6-12 month age. And if I could, I'd give them away after that. Sadly, I will soon be stuck with 2 toddlers whom I can't giveaway. :P Anyway, what is a little scary about it all is that at her current condition, she is 33 wks I think, bub is already a whooping 2.6kg...and still got at least 2 months to go, give or take. Arianna was about 2.83kg. I dare not think how much this baby is going to weight upon birth!

I told mum to start her perineum massage as soon as she can! Heck, get bub out early too. LOL But based on my personal experience with KR who was 1 week overdue and who would have happily stayed in there I think, if we didn't get her induced is that, try as hard as you can...bub will come when she is ready. I really wonder why bub is this big? Wonder if it's all those prenatal vitamins she’s been taking? I personally didn’t take anything like that at all.

In fact, the only pills I was ever on was Elevit which is a multi-vitamin thingy for prenancy and breastfeeding. So I don’t think it contributed much to bub’s growth. Heck, I don’t think I want a bigger baby than KR who was 3.28kg! :P

I know for a fact that we are not the only parents who are going through this but omg, I don’t know how the others are handling it but I am not handling the fact that KR has not had a poo in a VERY long time very well! :( Since her issue with cow’s milk particularly, I’ve been off dairy since I am still breastfeeding exclusively. But since her visit to the paed, she had only gone once and even then, there was still a slight streak of fresh blood but since then…she was just slightly brown, and this was today.

Keeping in mind that she is on solids now, I don’t think this is enough poo so I will definitely be letting the paed know about this. It’s funny how that since I’ve stop the dairy, her bleeding AND poo have both stopped. :/

*****************Updated later that same day :

Spoke to the paed and although I was not impressed that he rushed me off the phone when I had another question to ask him, he mainly told me that it was normal for breastfed babies to go without a poo for a long time. Now, as much as I fully understand this, there must be a limit to how many days before we start to worry but nup, he was quite insistent that it was ok. He even said that I should schedule a follow-up if I was concerned. Heck, of course I’m concerned but will give it a few more days. Till then, I’ll be taking her off the rice cereal and will be giving her more fruit and veggie purees.

Since becoming a mom, I have to say that I’ve had good days and bad days. Some days, I just want to auction the kids off on eBay to the lowest bid just so I can get rid of them and on other days, I feel so blessed and privilege to be their mom. Needless to say, I guess it’s the balance of these that has since kept me sane.

I recently had a moment which left me in a state of blurness. I really didn’t know how to deal with it so I just sat amidst the situation and soaked in what one would call the joys of motherhood, sarcastically.

Being home alone with the girls is no big deal. Ted is off to work and I’m at home to deal with them, no biggie. But what happens when the biggest one starts to whinge and cry and carry on? Well, somehow, this constant whinging on Arianna’s part always tends to trigger off some sort of chain reaction in KR. If Arianna carries on, so will KR and then it sort of becomes a relay crying tag team. Arianna cries and KR gets stressed out and starts crying, then Arianna cries louder coz she gets stressed over KR’s crying which then in turn makes KR cry even louder coz the crying is slowly escalating. Get my drift?

There I was with one arm carrying a crying and stressed out baby and a toddler clinging to my waist, bawling her eyes out and both are snotty…what do I do? I burst out laughing at my sad and tragic situation wishing I could just record this but couldn’t as my hands are obviously full. So what do I then do, after I’ve stopped laughing? Well, I simply take it all in stride. I chuck the baby on the rocker and Arianna back into her cot. Calm the baby down by which time Arianna has also calmed down and we are all one happy family again. :D

Sounds so simple but at the time, I was lost and blur. Funny now when I think back but not so at that time! Ahh…the joys of motherhood.

Having to deal with a tag-team relay of screaming/crying, snotty kids clinging on for comfort.

:) The day is almost over but heck, I still have about 1/2 hour left of the day. I spent the day doing nothing much. It was an overall good day. It was just like any other day really. I personally think that as the years go by, birthdays to me are becoming less and less important. There are many ways of looking at it, both positive and negative of course.

With each birthday celebrated, to me means that I have been given the privilege of another year to share and experience life as a mother and wife. Every day is a gift that is priceless and once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. Sounds so cliche and so not me but we all know thats the truth. Anyways, enough of all the mushy-mushy…. long story short, I didn’t have any celebration per se but had a little cake cutting thingy at MIL and Thai takeaway tonight. ;) We had planned to go out for dinner but the weather turned really bad so we just had takeaway instead. All in all, I liked it!

Going back a couple of years, this wasn’t really what I had expected to see. But you know what…I’m glad I have these 2 gorgeous girls today. :) They are the best gifts EVER!!

If you had read about my recent grievances, then you’ll know why this video means the world to me! :)

After more than 2 years of waiting, Arianna FINALLY said, ‘Mommy’. How it revolved from morning to money and finally mommy all in one morning, I don’t really care coz in the end, the most important word of them ALL was MOMMY. :D I cannot express how happy I was that day….it’s a day that I won’t be forgetting too soon.

Mommy @ 140909

Funny enough, that was the day that she continuously called me and it was as if she was making up for all the lost time that she missed out on calling me. I think Ted was a little jealous! *lol* But that said, she hasn’t REALLY been calling me since then and you know what, I don’t really mind coz I’ve just gotten so used to it. But I must say that everytime she DOES call me, I feel so nice and warm inside. :D

No one would believe me if I told them that I have never heard the word ‘Mummy’ or ‘Mum’ or ‘Mama’ come out of Arianna’s mouth till todate. She is more than 2 years old and even though her vocab seems to be growing by the day, one of the most important words [at least to the woman who carried her for 9 months and then endured super duper labour pains to bring her into the world] that she should be calling out every other moment is not said at all. Not even once…

But every other moment it’s daddy this and daddy that….where’s daddy? or daddy’s [pointing to every single thing in the house including hers!]. As much as I love the fact that she is definitely daddy’s girl, I would literally give anything to hear her say Mummy or Mum or Ma…for that matter, just once. I’m not choosy, just Ma will do. But nup….hasn’t happened yet. If Ted went out the door, it would be as if the world had ended for her and she’s cry and carry on. If I walked out the door, she wouldn’t even be bothered although I guess I must be thankful that she notice me walking out the door la. If ever she was looking for me, it would be ‘Where’s she?’. That’s all I am to her…She. She can call out Nana, Pa [Grandpa], Tata [maternal grandfather in Tamil], even Jesus!! But not Ma…. *sigh*

I bet most of you are laughing while reading this and lemme tell you, I was too – the first few times it happened. I thought it was hilarious. But now, I realised that it’s not anymore although Ted still thinks it funny. I don’t think he’d feel the same if the tables were turned. I feel that its come up to the point of embarassing, sad, disappointing and bizarre all rolled into one big messy thing for me. It’s not that the word mummy is not mentioned…Ted uses it often, I refer to myself as Mummy or sometimes mama especially when I’m calming her down and I say, Mama sayang…

I just don’t know why she refuses to say it. I find it totally weird…and very heartbreaking for me. Everytime she continuously asks for Daddy, my heart cracks a little coz I wished she’d call me instead. Maybe I’m being selfish but I think I deserve to be selfish for this matter. But no one can force her to call me Mum so what can I do? Just hope and pray that KR won’t do the same to me la. Apparently and I feel this too myself, that KR is closer to me than to Ted so I guess all is not lost, yet.

I don’t consider myself lucky when I hear how other mothers [mostly friends and relatives] tell me about their first time mom experiences and how they were not coping very well with the new baby because I never really had any problems at all. I count myself very blessed and touched by God’s graces that I didn’t have to suffer postnatal depression or baby blues as some might call it, and I also didn’t have any major issues with breastfeeding either.

When I hear about people expressing how tough it was coping, I can only lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on because I can’t really share my experience or say, ‘I know what you’re going through’, because I never did have to go through all that ’suffering’. I still remember it so clearly, while I was still in hospital. We were asked to come into the the nursery at least once a day to get the baby checked and temperature monitored and everytime I was there, there was this one day who would be there feeding her baby boy.

I used to think that big boobs = lotsa of milk hence it would be easy to feed the baby but this incident proved me wrong. This lady had really huge boobs and her milk had already come in but somehow her baby wasn’t latching on properly and she was suffering from all sorts of pain from the engorging breasts [milk would literally be dripping down and she would have a towel to soak it up - poor thing!], to sore nipples from having trouble latching on to the most obvious, after birth pains of course. My heart really went out to her but there was nothing anyone could do accept encourage to persevere and I can tell you that she is one very relentless person though. Despite all this, she refused to pump and bottle feed her baby with breast milk.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but in my honest one, she should have just pumped and given it to the baby. Why make both parties suffer like that, right? Anyway, it was definitely trying times for her and I hope that she has pulled through. When I think back, I can’t think of a time where I felt like giving up, perhaps for a fleeting moment when I couldn’t get Arianna to latch on but once I knew how, everything was great. I really, honestly, had no troubles at all.

So although I may not be blessed with material riches, or a fancy Ferrari, let alone Ferrari parts, I have been blessed in more ways than I can imagine and truthfully, that is what is most important. :)